I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
