Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize