dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
