i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
