Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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