Please, let me fuck your mom
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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