32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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