Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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