And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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