there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize