Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
