It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
