god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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