Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
