How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
