So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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