sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
