she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
