I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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