I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize