The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
