my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
