i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
