totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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