Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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