Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
