I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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