I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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