If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
