They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
