have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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