But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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