i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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