gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
