Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Randomize
