Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
