chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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