Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
