Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
