I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize