Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
