I should be sponsored by Trojan
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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