I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
