So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
