you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
