just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
