a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
