worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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