Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
