So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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