Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
