In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
