i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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