laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
