Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
