I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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