Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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