True but thats because hes a fetus.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize