Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Did I show you my penis last night?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
