Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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