Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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